Friday, December 30, 2011

I cry over books!

A couple months ago I read "Her Mothers Hope" by Francine Rivers (Marta's series) because a friend loaned it to me and insisted I would love it. I totally did. And I was heartbroken that I couldn't get my hands on the second one right away.... so instead, I read something else. I love to read and have a plethora of books laying around just begging to be read. I got sidetracked and didn't think too much about it again.

Christmas rolls around. My mom wants to know what to get me. I go on and on about my list of books I've been wanting to add to my collection. EVERYTHING C.S. Lewis, anything Francine Rivers, and some others I can't remember right now. I told her about needing to read the second book in the Marta series but how I would LOOOOVE if I had BOTH of them, since I borrowed the first one.... and I love to have an entire collection if there is a series. ;o) In fact, I have a #2 book of a series that was given to me, and I refuse to read it until I find #1 and #3. I just can't do it.

Another thing I just can't do.... go to the library. I mean, I very well could.... but if I loved the book as much as I usually love the books, I would want to own it. Its like borrowing a great pair of boots from a friend and after you return them you just KNOW YOU NEED THEM because they are that fantastic. Okay, so maybe not EXACTLY like that.... but kinda.

I also can't do a Kindle or Nook. No actual pages. No feel of paper beneath your fingertips. No wonderful smell of a brand new book or an old book with worn pages. No ability to skip ahead and peek (I admit it, I totally do) or flip back a couple pages to refresh your mind about a forgotten detail, no tabbing the page on a favorite quote or saying.... there is magic to be held in your hands when you hold an actual BOOK. Especially a used book.... I love knowing its been read and (hopefully) loved before. There is a wonderful history to a used book. The older the better, and even more fantastic is if someone wrote in it.... in writing that you know didn't come from a recent generation because its that beautiful antique script that generations now seem incapable of. *sigh*

Eesh... I think I got sidetracked.

SO ANYWAY, as I was saying - I told my mom my entire list of books I felt were at the very top of my list. She basically said "I think you're SOL dear ol' daughter because each of those is pretty pricey alone. You might just end up with a gift card to buy them used on Amazon." Which of course I would be even happier with than a bookstore buy of a brand new book.... you know, the history of it and all.

When I opened my gift from her on Christmas Eve, I found ALL THE BOOKS I gave her from the top of my list, plus an extra C.S. Lewis book.... and they were all USED. And SUPER OLD. Well, the Lewis ones were, and they are so lovely.

I was so terribly excited to read "Her Daughters Dream" by Francine Rivers (link at bottom) and finally find out the rest of the story! I spent 8 hours reading yesterday with only a 30 minute break for water and a stretch. I finished it at 3:30 this morning IN MY BATHROOM because my lamp was annoying Jake (haha!). I was SOBBING at the end. Totally, completely, without reserve, bawling my big baby eyes out. Both books are so beautifully written that you become SO invested in the characters and the storyline. I literally felt grieved at the end - not because it was over (although, if you're a true book nerd, you are always sad when a book is over) but because the ending was beautifully tragic, and it was heartbreaking.... but in a way that makes you so grateful you were able to read such a wonderful work of art.

So, this Wannabe has no Confession today.... other than the whole crying over books thing. But that, I totally already do. ;o)


Okay, so I don't know why, but I couldn't link the second book and it annoyed me so I quit trying and just decided to add it down here. :)

Her Daughters Dream:

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I wannabe more gracious.

Last night after putting the boys to bed, I went and sat on the couch while my husband played his xbox game. I huffed and puffed about how tired I was, and how putting the boys to bed always makes me so sleepy. Could be the chapter of Narnia we read each night or laying down in three different beds singing songs and praying in each one.... or it could be both. No matter what though, I almost always fall asleep.

I curled up on that couch with a blanket and sighed about the kitchen still being a mess from dinner. Husband finished his game he was currently on, and then got up and said "I'll unload the dishwasher for you then." Then I replied wtih "thanks babe, then I can load it and do everything else." Then I proceeded to close my eyes and try to get in a quick snooze.

Then something ugly happened. It took about 5 minutes, but I lifted up my head and said "Did you just say you would unload the dishwasher FOR ME?" I can assure you my tone was less than gracious. He snapped back with something probably well deserving on my end, and thus proceeded a very ugly "conversation." As I covered my head with my blanket to sneak in a few more minutes of shut eye.... I immediately scolded myself.

"Why can't you be more gracious?"
"Why can't you just say thank you and leave it at that?"
"Why can't you just be quiet instead of saying ugly things?"

I can be very powerful with my words when I choose to be. I don't say half of what I think sometimes because my instant thoughts and reactions are filled with ugly... I fight against that on a daily basis. For some reason though, at home - with my husband and, shamefully, sometimes with my kids - I can be so very ugly. So very short. So very UNgracious.

Its moments like these that makes me stop and think about how very gracious God is with me. Anything I've ever done for God (when maybe my initial motive is to do it for myself) isn't met with a question from Him about my hearts intent.... its always met with a blessing. I never get the question of "You THINK you're doing this for Me, but you're really doing it for yourself." No, I get blessings I didn't know I would receive, and maybe even a bit of a conviction once I see for myself what my intentions were.... and then I am ever more grateful for the grace of God.

If I were to be more gracious, like God is with me, I would have thanked my husband for the extra help with a sincere heart, and not pointed out anything else. His motives for what he does are between him and God.... not for me to judge. I can graciously say thank you, and mean it, and in that way share the grace of God that has been so freely given to me.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up to a nice trail of drool (so lovely, I know) and my husband back at his xbox game. I heard the dishwasher running, and when I looked up, all of the kitchen counters had been cleaned off, and anything that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher had been hand washed and was on the drying rack. How is that for showing grace to the ungracious?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I wannabe a better blogger.

I've blogged for YEARS. For awhile I was really good at it. Had a great following. My blog was real, inspiring, funny, full of my everday. But then I got locked into the "mom blog" title and I kind of hit a wall. I guess thats what happens when you name your blog after your kids. I felt like it always had to be about them. I felt like it always had to be LONG. I felt like I had to please the masses that came to read everyday.

Then life got kinda messy. And some of it was ugly. I was afraid to share it. Afraid to be TOO real. So I shut up. For a long, long time.

If you've blogged for any amount of time, you may have noticed a weird phenomenon that happens after awhile.... you start to think in BLOG. You analyze a situation and your thinking process soon turns into a blog post process. You find yourself maybe editing how you would say something. You try to think of funny titles. Something to catch your readers attention. My point here is.... I've started thinking in BLOG again. But not in such a way that I want people to find me witty or funny or interesting, or even inspiring. Its a desire to share the real.

So many of us spend so much time analyzing our lives and how they can be different or better. We wonder if we are the only ones in our situation, or the only ones who think about the things we think about. We maybe even feel so completely alone in our thoughts, that we don't share them with anyone. We don't even think to say to someone "oh wow, I've felt like that too!" because we fear their reactions.

Ever since our base MOPS group got shut down (so incredibly sad, it still brings some of us to tears!) I've felt a huge absence in my life..... I have a need to be connected. We all do. We're human. We are made in God's image, and he made us for relationships. He made us to share. To encourage. TO BE REAL. Even if its on a small level. It doesn't have to be all of our dirty laundry.... even though that is the stuff everyone keeps hidden thinking "no one else deals with this."

Guess what? I'm tired of that.

So, I wannabe a better blogger in the hopes that each Confession of this Wannabe will encourage someone else. Speak to someone else. Help someone else. And maybe even get a laugh or two. Because I love the funny. :)