Grieving

I wannabe a wife that helps her husband grieve.... even if it means taking a last minute unplanned trip halfway across the country in the middle of winter with our three boys and one of our dogs.

Jakes Grandma Charmaine passed away on Wednesday, February 8, 2012. My very closed up husband needs to grieve properly... and he can't do that being nearly 1500 miles away from family. In the almost 11 years we have been married, four family members from his side of the family have died. We have not been able to go to even ONE funeral. Or memorial. Or even be with our families during those times. He has never grieved properly because our life hasn't allowed him to.

So, now is the time.

I think the affects of our life are starting to wear on my tough fronted man. He recognizes the need to go home, be with our family, at any cost right now. We talked about how we have felt that this is the year we would start losing the Grands that we are closest to.... and it has now happened for him. We both agree that no matter what, we will do whatever we can to go home when those times come. We don't go home just for the loved ones gone, we go home to be around people we love. For them. For us.

I think its important. Important to allow yourself to experience the emotions that come with grieving.... otherwise you end up cold and calloused and closed off. In this military life, its so easy to go that route. So so easy. Its full of loss.... loss of home, friends, lives, spouses, comforts, family.

Its also full of understanding at times like these. I am so appreciative that Jake was given today off to figure out the details with his family. I so appreciate that taking Leave was a simple process, because sometimes it can be a nightmare. And I WILL BE even more grateful if they are able to move his Tech test date back since he would have to test as soon as we got back from an emotional and stressful trip. Either way, I appreciate that they are trying.

So, even though my stress level is at an all time high right now as I scramble to get our family of 5 prepared at the last minute.... and seriously, I was U-G-L-Y with everyone tonight.... even though its more work on my end, I wannabe able to look back and know I supported him and know that he won't look back with regret because things were difficult.

With that said, no posts until I get back.... I will be busy taking full advantage of a quickie trip home. Lots of family to see and love on, and lots of coffee dates to squeeze in with friends! A very bittersweet trip indeed.

Time

I wannabe better at using my TIME wisely.

I'm just gonna cut to the chase:

I waste a lot of time. A lot. Sure I'm always doing something that has a purpose, but I could be doing OTHER things that have MORE purpose. I'm not gonna get into the nitty gritty of it now.... but I have a plan. A month long plan. And it involves social sacrifice. OUCH. For this extroverted social butterfly, the thought of that alone makes me want to say "JUST KIDDING!" and delete this post. But I'm not gonna.... I am going to make myself DO THIS.

I wanted my husband to do it with me too.... but only because I didn't want to be the only one making a decision to better our lives and our family. Because I get selfish and start thinking "well, if I have to do this, so do you." But I DON'T have to do this... I want to do this. For me. And even though I'm grumpy about it, for him too. And the boys. See, I have lots of reasons.

People have said I am hard on myself. That I give myself these HUGE challenges that seem impossible, or that I set myself up to fail. That's just how I roll I guess. LOL Go big or go home, right?

SO, I'm not going to lay out the details of my month long challenge here.... I have found, for myself, that when I tell someone about something in detail I want to do - I don't do it because for some stupid reason I consider it as good as done. Like its the thought that counts. It seems I do a brain dump of my detailed thoughts.... and never follow through.

If you notice slight changes going on though.... thats probably why. ;o)

So, here I am with a thing, or rather -a way, I wannabe and I am taking this one by the horns people. Wish me luck!

BOLD

I wannabe BOLD.

Last night I went out with friends. Good friends. Friends who know me and know things about me that I don't need to clarify or repeat or explain. Friends who know that even when I'm laughing about a hilariously inappropriate joke or sharing a funny intimate detail of my life..... that my heart belongs to God. That I love Jesus. That I want more than anything to be a good mom and wife.

This morning it struck me that I intentionally spend the most time with people who already know me. Don't ask me HOW they already know me. In this life (military) you often forget how you even become friends, when you did, or how long its been. Time just flows differently. I realized though, that there are people I want to spend more time with and be better friends with outside of my comforting circle of friends, people who maybe don't know me as well - don't know my testimony - don't know about how Jesus loves me.... but I don't want to worry about what I say and do to make sure I don't give the wrong impression about who I am and what I stand for.

Read that last sentence again. Its a completely jacked up way of thinking.

I wannabe, NEED to be, more BOLD about what I believe. Who I love. What I am about in my heart and my life. I need to not be so content as to surround myself all the time with people that I don't stretch myself around. Yes, there is something to be said about the comfort of a good friend. But there is also much to be gained from pushing yourself to share and show who you are in a place where its not already known, where it doesn't come as easily.

Being bold is scary and uncomfortable. Growing can be painful. Even more painful though, is looking back at time and wondering "what if I had been bold enough to befriend that person, share who I really am and why with that person, get to know who they are and why...." and realizing that you had your chance to be bold and didn't take it.

Acts 28:31
He proclaimed the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ—with all boldness and without hindrance!

Girl Crazy

This confession feels ugly. Totally. Like, in an embarrassing "you don't deserve the children you have!" kind of way.

I wannabe a mom of girls, too. But that will never happen now so I should say I WANTED to be a mom of girls, too.

Funny thing is, when Jake and I talked about getting married, I never pictured girls. EVER. I specifically did picture 3 boys though. Oddly enough, in my mind, they all looked exactly like Aidan looks now though. I love that. Even still, in my heart, I would have LOVED having a little girl. I still wonder what it would be like, what she would look like, and wonder if we didn't give "her" a shot at becoming a reality. I envision her having my red hair and blue eyes and Jake's olive skin.... which would be AMAZING. I see little baby girls with bright red hair and my heart skips a beat.

I am so lucky to be the Aunt to 4 beautiful and wonderful nieces, and my heart is so happy and in love with all of them. I am thankful that even though God didn't make me a mommy of girls (which I am at times guilty of wondering WHY... ugh), He did place girls in my life for me to love on and be girly with. My poor nieces, Aunt Brandy loves to do their hair probably more than they like to let me.

When my nieces stayed with us for a bit this summer, I absolutely LOVED having both boys and girls to mother and take care of and see how different they are together. And they really are SO different! I didn't understand just how much until they came to stay. haha!

All that said, I wouldn't trade my three boys for even one single girl.... or 10 girls with bright red hair and blue eyes. God knew what he was doing giving me boys to love on and teach, and I am happy and blessed to be their mommy.