Oh my. 3 months to the day since I last posted. I guess you could say it was a busy summer!
So. This post. Its brewing some major uncomfy feelings in my heart. Like.... the super convicted uncomfy.
I have that feeling you have right before you throw up. When you know that if you just get it over and done with you will feel so much better, but you are scared of how uncomfortable it will be. How painful it sometimes is. How messy. The toxins in your body are just bubbling to get out though.
I have toxins in my heart. *sigh* Dangit.
Stupid Facebook for one. I keep seeing posts that are speaking to my toxic heart and then that feeling of bile rises up in me every time. Why? Because I know I need to let it out and cleanse myself and let my heart start repairing.
Life gets so messy. So uncomfortable. So annoying. So hard. Like soft bare feet on hard black pavement develop callouses to protect the delicate skin, my heart has built up a hard calloused shell. When I was talking to my "nurse/counselor who prescribes my head meds" the other day, I told her I couldn't figure out if I was turning into a huge *expletive* or if I was just getting older and tired of dealing with what I deemed ridiculousness. ha! Needless to say - I've kind of become a little ugly and withered inside lately.
Sure I'm still nice. Sure I'm still considerate. Sure I still smile. Sure I still love people.
But not all people. Not all the time. Not with a love like Christ - like I claim to follow.
AH! Its SO uncomfortable admitting this. Publicly. Acknowledging out loud (sort of) that I know I've been so wrong for so long now. I've stopped caring. About people. About circumstances. About anything outside of my bubble. Its like my feelings have literally been TURNED OFF. Because my life got messy and uncomfortable and annoying and hard. Its still all of those things, but that is no excuse to allow my heart to harden like it has.
We put up walls so we don't get hurt, but sometimes we get hurt so much that we start to harden if we aren't mindful of the condition of our hearts. Heart Maintenance. I forgot all about it. Now I'm at a crossroads where I see things placed in front of me where I can soften it, and it makes me nervous - much like throwing up. I know it will be good for me to get it out of my body, cleanse myself, but dang....its gonna hurt.
Now, please don't read this as someONE or someTHING has hurt me. Not the case. If you know me in any way at all, you know bits and pieces about my life, but I promise you don't know all of it. Facebook posts are very much like the tip of the iceburg - there is so much more than what you see and read. But really, EVERYONE'S life is like that! I recently spoke with an old friend from high school and was so shocked at how her reality that she doesn't share is so similar to mine.... but I didn't know it. We never know all of it. For some of us, life is just overwhelming. That alone can cause so much strain on our hearts.
Sometimes we do have to have a time of only worrying about our small world in front of us - especially when it comes to taking care of our family. But then there are times when we also need to look outside of ourselves and love others. I have really SUCKED at loving others lately.
I feel like God is calling me to purge the callouses around my heart and stick my neck out there - but dangit - its scary. Truth be told, I like this snobbish way I've fallen into. I like not making new friends right now. I like sticking to my own group of friends and not branching out. I REALLY like not doing stuff for other people right now - and that was so hard to admit. Its ugly. UGLY! I keep saying over and over again that I don't want to be in a place of responsibility outside of my already huge responsibilities at home. Thats okay sometimes, but when I develop an ugly heart because of it, thats NOT okay.
So, I know this was ALL OVER THE PLACE - kinda like throwing up everywhere - but it did feel good to get it out. ;o)