Friday, June 15, 2012

Heart Maintenance

Tonight I am reminded that Aidans medication doesn’t cure him. It helps to maintain…. and MAINTAINING for him is my primary job. I dropped the ball all week (truthfully, I don’t even know where this week has GONE!). I dropped the ball and it all caught up to Aidan tonight. I knew (KNEW!) earlier that he was tired, but he was so awesome for most of the day today that I thought he could handle being out until bedtime - instead of being home and winding down and preparing for bedtime…which is what his little system needs. Especially after a busy week.

After the restraining and the head bashing and the biting and the screaming and pleading and crying and hitting were all out of his system, he returned to my sweet baby boy…curled up in my lap, sobbing. His perseverance for what he wanted was still there though “WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!”… His body was tired, but he still tried to negotiate for his ultimate goal… but I held out. And in the end, I won. I won a battle that I didn’t do a great job of preventing in the first place. However, we can’t go backwards. We can only deal with what is NOW. My no meant NO. I know that in the long run, ESPECIALLY for Aidan, that will amount to something great one day.

As he finally gave in and did as he was asked, he then crawled into bed where I stood next to him (loft bed - I can stand and not break my back bending or leaning over!) and I sang his favorite song- and sang - and sang….

....Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile To the One who sees past all I see. 
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand You're the only one who's faithful to me......

As I sang I thought to myself “How many parents would just put their belligerent kid into bed, toss them some harsh words about obeying, and slam the door in frustration? How many times have I done just that - back when I didn’t understand?”

Then I thought “How many times as my loving Father held my heart while I thrashed and pleaded and screamed and begged - and even hit and kicked at thin air or a pillow - to get MY WAY? How many times have I cried out to God ‘WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!’ And how many times has He just heaped shame on me and slammed the door while I‘m left hurting and wounded?”

Never. God has never been that kind of parent to me…. Which makes it clear that I am not to be that kind of parent to my babies either.

So, while I was physically exhausted, mentally a mess, emotionally broken, and spiritually starving - I tended to my broken boy, and God tended to His broken girl.


  1. Love this. Love you, my dear and beautiful sister....thank you for sharing this...

  2. DUCKS?! LOL Why ducks? I couldn't figure out who you were b/c the picture is so small and ducks was so unfamiliar! LOL! Love you too!