Mental Stability

After posting this and then walking away from it for a bit, I have some regrets about posting it.... but I'm not going to alter it. I just feel like its a super vulnerable post. So, read with care. And caution. ;o)

I wannabe a mentally stable person without medication. ;o) Hows THAT for a confession?!

This is a hard one to talk about. Kind of.

I'm typically an open book and will admit to most things about myself.... but talking about them in depth, talking about the ugly parts, talking about the vulnerabilities... thats hard. Its hard because I am letting down my guard and showing a side of myself I don't SHOW people very often.

Today I met with the lady who gives me my prescriptions for anxiety/depression. I don't know what she is or what to call her. She's not exactly a counselor, but she is able to prescribe medication, yet she also counsels me... but its different than an hour long "lay on the couch and spill" kind of session. Mostly its just to touch base about where I'm at, how I'm doing on my medication, if we need to increase/change it, etc. Last time I saw her was in August I think. So, I'm quite overdue for an appointment.

For the last couple of months I've been "off" and just not feeling in control of my mental stability. Frazzled. Overwhelmed. Weepy. Angry. Happy. Melancholy. Nostalgic. High strung. Tense. TIRED. Unable to focus. I could go through all of those in a day while at the same time knowing it wasn't right. Knowing I was over thinking and over processing. Its hard to turn your brain off when it literally has a mind of its own. Thats when anxiety sets in. You become anxious over all of the things you're worried about, thinking about, dwelling on. And the more anxious you get, the quicker you become depressed, tired, foggy. You see how its a slippery slope?

And that is all on any given day. Not every day, but often. Then there are the ever so lovely days women go through, full of what I consider painful torture....especially when one is done bearring children. ;o) PMDD should stand for Pre-Menstrual Demon Diva. Its not pretty. I'm INSANE. Noises make me go crazy (and there is A LOT of noise in a house FULL of boys!) and I snap at the drop of a hat. Now, throughout all of this, its like I am watching myself from outside my body. I see my irrationality, I see my lack of patience, my snapping, and I live in guilt over it.

It is SO DAMN HARD to explain to someone who doesn't experience this themselves..... at times you literally feel like you are going to SNAP and as much as you try to keep yourself reigned it, it doesn't always work. I realize I have probably made myself out to be a monster. I'm not, always. Most of the time, I am deep breathing and holding my tongue and disappearing into a bathroom for a few minutes.... all in the name of composure. I do it for my kids. I do it so they don't have horrid memories of psycho mommy, especially when most of the time, I am loving mommy. I have moments though.... some days are worse than others. But even though some days are BETTER, I'm constantly living in that sway in my own mind. There isn't really a time that I don't think about it, that I don't wonder if I'm acting like a normal person should act, reacting within reasonable bounds, snapping too quickly, or ignorning too much. Its a fine line.

Then there is the fatigue. OHHHH the fatigue. I always know when I'm slipping based on how much I'm sleeping. There is a H.U.G.E. difference between tired sleeping, and depressed sleeping. I've been depressed sleeping for awhile now. Anytime. Anywhere. In the middle of the day. Somedays I wake up so completely sad and disappointed in myself for having fallen asleep, that I roll over and go back to sleep. I know... it doesn't make sense. I do the same thing when I get overwhelmed with a task... I can sit down, and 5 minutes later be asleep. As all of my friends on FB now call napping "pulling a Brandy." ha! It really is funny though!

Focus. I have had a hard time focussing lately. Getting a task accomplished. Not getting sidetracked. When I talked to my lady (thats what I'll call her for now) she asked if I wanted to have an ADD evaluation done. I said "I don't know, what do you think? Do whatever. I don't care at this point." And she said very assertively "I think you should have one because there might be something there." OKIE DOKIE.

I hate that deal with this. I hate that I probably sound like a lunatic. I hate that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life, most likely. I hate that I will always be caught in the sway of "doing pretty good" to "doing really bad." I hate that I am ALWAYS second guessing my emotions, my reactions, my thoughts. Even when I know that I can find my answer in God and in what His Word says.... I can still question if I'm going about it JUST RIGHT. I second guess ev.er.y.thing. Because I don't trust my own mind on bad days.

WOW... I went long on this one. And to think I didn't even cover all of it. I'll spare you the horrid nightmares. ;o)

My good friend Sara (http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com) always would say to me that her mom called her medication "don't kill the kids pills" because it helped her be a sane mom, and for that it was worth it. And I agree. But when you're at the end of your medication rope (I was prescribed a new one today) you feel like you're back at square one, completely helpless, and just wanting sanity back.

So, thats that.