Content

Even though I "wannabe" all kinds of things in my life/lifetime.... mostly I wannabe CONTENT in who I am, even while I am changing.

Mental Stability

After posting this and then walking away from it for a bit, I have some regrets about posting it.... but I'm not going to alter it. I just feel like its a super vulnerable post. So, read with care. And caution. ;o)

I wannabe a mentally stable person without medication. ;o) Hows THAT for a confession?!

This is a hard one to talk about. Kind of.

I'm typically an open book and will admit to most things about myself.... but talking about them in depth, talking about the ugly parts, talking about the vulnerabilities... thats hard. Its hard because I am letting down my guard and showing a side of myself I don't SHOW people very often.

Today I met with the lady who gives me my prescriptions for anxiety/depression. I don't know what she is or what to call her. She's not exactly a counselor, but she is able to prescribe medication, yet she also counsels me... but its different than an hour long "lay on the couch and spill" kind of session. Mostly its just to touch base about where I'm at, how I'm doing on my medication, if we need to increase/change it, etc. Last time I saw her was in August I think. So, I'm quite overdue for an appointment.

For the last couple of months I've been "off" and just not feeling in control of my mental stability. Frazzled. Overwhelmed. Weepy. Angry. Happy. Melancholy. Nostalgic. High strung. Tense. TIRED. Unable to focus. I could go through all of those in a day while at the same time knowing it wasn't right. Knowing I was over thinking and over processing. Its hard to turn your brain off when it literally has a mind of its own. Thats when anxiety sets in. You become anxious over all of the things you're worried about, thinking about, dwelling on. And the more anxious you get, the quicker you become depressed, tired, foggy. You see how its a slippery slope?

And that is all on any given day. Not every day, but often. Then there are the ever so lovely days women go through, full of what I consider painful torture....especially when one is done bearring children. ;o) PMDD should stand for Pre-Menstrual Demon Diva. Its not pretty. I'm INSANE. Noises make me go crazy (and there is A LOT of noise in a house FULL of boys!) and I snap at the drop of a hat. Now, throughout all of this, its like I am watching myself from outside my body. I see my irrationality, I see my lack of patience, my snapping, and I live in guilt over it.

It is SO DAMN HARD to explain to someone who doesn't experience this themselves..... at times you literally feel like you are going to SNAP and as much as you try to keep yourself reigned it, it doesn't always work. I realize I have probably made myself out to be a monster. I'm not, always. Most of the time, I am deep breathing and holding my tongue and disappearing into a bathroom for a few minutes.... all in the name of composure. I do it for my kids. I do it so they don't have horrid memories of psycho mommy, especially when most of the time, I am loving mommy. I have moments though.... some days are worse than others. But even though some days are BETTER, I'm constantly living in that sway in my own mind. There isn't really a time that I don't think about it, that I don't wonder if I'm acting like a normal person should act, reacting within reasonable bounds, snapping too quickly, or ignorning too much. Its a fine line.

Then there is the fatigue. OHHHH the fatigue. I always know when I'm slipping based on how much I'm sleeping. There is a H.U.G.E. difference between tired sleeping, and depressed sleeping. I've been depressed sleeping for awhile now. Anytime. Anywhere. In the middle of the day. Somedays I wake up so completely sad and disappointed in myself for having fallen asleep, that I roll over and go back to sleep. I know... it doesn't make sense. I do the same thing when I get overwhelmed with a task... I can sit down, and 5 minutes later be asleep. As all of my friends on FB now call napping "pulling a Brandy." ha! It really is funny though!

Focus. I have had a hard time focussing lately. Getting a task accomplished. Not getting sidetracked. When I talked to my lady (thats what I'll call her for now) she asked if I wanted to have an ADD evaluation done. I said "I don't know, what do you think? Do whatever. I don't care at this point." And she said very assertively "I think you should have one because there might be something there." OKIE DOKIE.

I hate that deal with this. I hate that I probably sound like a lunatic. I hate that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life, most likely. I hate that I will always be caught in the sway of "doing pretty good" to "doing really bad." I hate that I am ALWAYS second guessing my emotions, my reactions, my thoughts. Even when I know that I can find my answer in God and in what His Word says.... I can still question if I'm going about it JUST RIGHT. I second guess ev.er.y.thing. Because I don't trust my own mind on bad days.

WOW... I went long on this one. And to think I didn't even cover all of it. I'll spare you the horrid nightmares. ;o)

My good friend Sara (http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com) always would say to me that her mom called her medication "don't kill the kids pills" because it helped her be a sane mom, and for that it was worth it. And I agree. But when you're at the end of your medication rope (I was prescribed a new one today) you feel like you're back at square one, completely helpless, and just wanting sanity back.

So, thats that.

I cry over books!

A couple months ago I read "Her Mothers Hope" by Francine Rivers (Marta's series) because a friend loaned it to me and insisted I would love it. I totally did. And I was heartbroken that I couldn't get my hands on the second one right away.... so instead, I read something else. I love to read and have a plethora of books laying around just begging to be read. I got sidetracked and didn't think too much about it again.

Christmas rolls around. My mom wants to know what to get me. I go on and on about my list of books I've been wanting to add to my collection. EVERYTHING C.S. Lewis, anything Francine Rivers, and some others I can't remember right now. I told her about needing to read the second book in the Marta series but how I would LOOOOVE if I had BOTH of them, since I borrowed the first one.... and I love to have an entire collection if there is a series. ;o) In fact, I have a #2 book of a series that was given to me, and I refuse to read it until I find #1 and #3. I just can't do it.

Another thing I just can't do.... go to the library. I mean, I very well could.... but if I loved the book as much as I usually love the books, I would want to own it. Its like borrowing a great pair of boots from a friend and after you return them you just KNOW YOU NEED THEM because they are that fantastic. Okay, so maybe not EXACTLY like that.... but kinda.

I also can't do a Kindle or Nook. No actual pages. No feel of paper beneath your fingertips. No wonderful smell of a brand new book or an old book with worn pages. No ability to skip ahead and peek (I admit it, I totally do) or flip back a couple pages to refresh your mind about a forgotten detail, no tabbing the page on a favorite quote or saying.... there is magic to be held in your hands when you hold an actual BOOK. Especially a used book.... I love knowing its been read and (hopefully) loved before. There is a wonderful history to a used book. The older the better, and even more fantastic is if someone wrote in it.... in writing that you know didn't come from a recent generation because its that beautiful antique script that generations now seem incapable of. *sigh*

Eesh... I think I got sidetracked.

SO ANYWAY, as I was saying - I told my mom my entire list of books I felt were at the very top of my list. She basically said "I think you're SOL dear ol' daughter because each of those is pretty pricey alone. You might just end up with a gift card to buy them used on Amazon." Which of course I would be even happier with than a bookstore buy of a brand new book.... you know, the history of it and all.

When I opened my gift from her on Christmas Eve, I found ALL THE BOOKS I gave her from the top of my list, plus an extra C.S. Lewis book.... and they were all USED. And SUPER OLD. Well, the Lewis ones were, and they are so lovely.

I was so terribly excited to read "Her Daughters Dream" by Francine Rivers (link at bottom) and finally find out the rest of the story! I spent 8 hours reading yesterday with only a 30 minute break for water and a stretch. I finished it at 3:30 this morning IN MY BATHROOM because my lamp was annoying Jake (haha!). I was SOBBING at the end. Totally, completely, without reserve, bawling my big baby eyes out. Both books are so beautifully written that you become SO invested in the characters and the storyline. I literally felt grieved at the end - not because it was over (although, if you're a true book nerd, you are always sad when a book is over) but because the ending was beautifully tragic, and it was heartbreaking.... but in a way that makes you so grateful you were able to read such a wonderful work of art.

So, this Wannabe has no Confession today.... other than the whole crying over books thing. But that, I totally already do. ;o)

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Okay, so I don't know why, but I couldn't link the second book and it annoyed me so I quit trying and just decided to add it down here. :)

Her Daughters Dream: http://www.amazon.com/Her-Daughters-Dream-Martas-Legacy/dp/1414334109/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b

Grace

I wannabe more gracious.

Last night after putting the boys to bed, I went and sat on the couch while my husband played his xbox game. I huffed and puffed about how tired I was, and how putting the boys to bed always makes me so sleepy. Could be the chapter of Narnia we read each night or laying down in three different beds singing songs and praying in each one.... or it could be both. No matter what though, I almost always fall asleep.

I curled up on that couch with a blanket and sighed about the kitchen still being a mess from dinner. Husband finished his game he was currently on, and then got up and said "I'll unload the dishwasher for you then." Then I replied wtih "thanks babe, then I can load it and do everything else." Then I proceeded to close my eyes and try to get in a quick snooze.

Then something ugly happened. It took about 5 minutes, but I lifted up my head and said "Did you just say you would unload the dishwasher FOR ME?" I can assure you my tone was less than gracious. He snapped back with something probably well deserving on my end, and thus proceeded a very ugly "conversation." As I covered my head with my blanket to sneak in a few more minutes of shut eye.... I immediately scolded myself.

"Why can't you be more gracious?"
"Why can't you just say thank you and leave it at that?"
"Why can't you just be quiet instead of saying ugly things?"

I can be very powerful with my words when I choose to be. I don't say half of what I think sometimes because my instant thoughts and reactions are filled with ugly... I fight against that on a daily basis. For some reason though, at home - with my husband and, shamefully, sometimes with my kids - I can be so very ugly. So very short. So very UNgracious.

Its moments like these that makes me stop and think about how very gracious God is with me. Anything I've ever done for God (when maybe my initial motive is to do it for myself) isn't met with a question from Him about my hearts intent.... its always met with a blessing. I never get the question of "You THINK you're doing this for Me, but you're really doing it for yourself." No, I get blessings I didn't know I would receive, and maybe even a bit of a conviction once I see for myself what my intentions were.... and then I am ever more grateful for the grace of God.

If I were to be more gracious, like God is with me, I would have thanked my husband for the extra help with a sincere heart, and not pointed out anything else. His motives for what he does are between him and God.... not for me to judge. I can graciously say thank you, and mean it, and in that way share the grace of God that has been so freely given to me.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up to a nice trail of drool (so lovely, I know) and my husband back at his xbox game. I heard the dishwasher running, and when I looked up, all of the kitchen counters had been cleaned off, and anything that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher had been hand washed and was on the drying rack. How is that for showing grace to the ungracious?

Blogging

I wannabe a better blogger.

I've blogged for YEARS. For awhile I was really good at it. Had a great following. My blog was real, inspiring, funny, full of my everday. But then I got locked into the "mom blog" title and I kind of hit a wall. I guess thats what happens when you name your blog after your kids. I felt like it always had to be about them. I felt like it always had to be LONG. I felt like I had to please the masses that came to read everyday.

Then life got kinda messy. And some of it was ugly. I was afraid to share it. Afraid to be TOO real. So I shut up. For a long, long time.

If you've blogged for any amount of time, you may have noticed a weird phenomenon that happens after awhile.... you start to think in BLOG. You analyze a situation and your thinking process soon turns into a blog post process. You find yourself maybe editing how you would say something. You try to think of funny titles. Something to catch your readers attention. My point here is.... I've started thinking in BLOG again. But not in such a way that I want people to find me witty or funny or interesting, or even inspiring. Its a desire to share the real.

So many of us spend so much time analyzing our lives and how they can be different or better. We wonder if we are the only ones in our situation, or the only ones who think about the things we think about. We maybe even feel so completely alone in our thoughts, that we don't share them with anyone. We don't even think to say to someone "oh wow, I've felt like that too!" because we fear their reactions.

Ever since our base MOPS group got shut down (so incredibly sad, it still brings some of us to tears!) I've felt a huge absence in my life..... I have a need to be connected. We all do. We're human. We are made in God's image, and he made us for relationships. He made us to share. To encourage. TO BE REAL. Even if its on a small level. It doesn't have to be all of our dirty laundry.... even though that is the stuff everyone keeps hidden thinking "no one else deals with this."

Guess what? I'm tired of that.

So, I wannabe a better blogger in the hopes that each Confession of this Wannabe will encourage someone else. Speak to someone else. Help someone else. And maybe even get a laugh or two. Because I love the funny. :)